Journals of a sexual abuse survivor o3

I was living a nightmare and I didn’t even know it yet. Remember, I had tried to stop talking to him a few times, but I never really put my foot down yet. I still liked the idea of him and I liked the idea of an older guy wanting me.

Though December of my sophomore year was when I really really tried to cut off the ‘relationship’ that was going on between us. It was my birthday- December 9th. I was obviously hanging out with my friends celebrating my 16th birthday. My best friend- at the time- and I were bouncing around to a few different friends’ houses just hanging out with different people. I got a text from P asking me to give him a ride to a party. This made me a little bit mad. I tried to explain that it was my birthday and I had other plans. He didn’t like that.

I was mad. First of all, it was MY birthday. Second, I was all the way on the other side of town. Third, I was only 16 lol I still had a curfew. At this point it was already pretty late and I told P no. He proceeded trying to convince me to pick him up. Eventually I 100% put my foot down and told him absolutely not. This made him upset I guess you would say. He began to call me a slut, a whore and ultimately he called me a c***. I took this very personally, as most girls would. I actually ended up blocking him on Snapchat. Though this did not stop him, he proceeded to comment all of those same rude and vulgar words on my Instagram posts and I blocked him on there as well.

At this point, I was absolutely done with him. I wanted nothing to do with him after he unintentionally tried to ruin my birthday. I didn’t talk to him after that, nor did I respond to any of his texts for a few days. Until he texted me 4 days later with this: “I think we need some makeup sex”. LOL. makeup sex???? After you just called me the c-word on MY birthday??? Not a chance. I responded with the thinking emoji. You know the one that has the fingers in an L on the chin? 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

^that one.

He texted me later that night asking to have makeup sex- the thing that gets me is that he knew what he did. He know that what he said hurt me, but he had no care for how I felt. All he cared about was sex. This is when things really changed for me. After he was asking me for “makeup sex” I still was not having it. He told me “I promise u I’m not going to be a douche anymore I’m gonna be nice I promise I’ll take u to the movies this weekend to make up for it”. I explained to him that I didn’t want to see him anymore, but he was insistent on wanting to make it up to me. One word, manipulation. Let me say it again- Manipulation. As stupid as it is, this had me sold. So like always, I gave in. I went to his and we had sex- like usual, nothing was different like he said it would be. We had sex and I left. LOL.

After that the same thing happened as before- I didn’t text or respond to him for a little less than a week. At this point, I was feeling so used. Then one day he texted me out of the blue telling me he’s sending all of my nudes to the seniors at my school. He proceeded by saying “I’m F***’ing done with ur BS u think u can just keep f’ing me over”. All because of what? I wouldn’t respond to him. Tell me again how it’s my fault and that I should have just stopped talking to him. Because believe me, I tried. Anyway, I was really scared at this point. Who wants nude photos of them going around their school at 16 years of age? Sure, it wasn’t the best decision I could have made to send photos of that nature to him, but what girl or boy sends those kind of photos with the intention of being blackmailed with them? I was panicking at this point. I literally remember this day like it was yesterday- I was sitting in an AM class when he texted me that. As I said, I was scared so I just gave in. What would you do in that situation? He told me to ”skip class because I had to come as soon as possible and it couldn’t wait until after school.” He also told me that this would be the last time he hits me up to have sex. Frankly, I was thankful he said that. I tried to end it with him so many times so I was absolutely relieved.

It’s crazy to look back on situations specific to this one because sure, my friends and other people knew that he & I talked. Though no one knew it was of this nature. I didn’t even tell my friends that he literally had just blackmailed me with photos because I was scared. I can’t stress that enough. In high school, it’s as if your reputation is all that matters- at least to me and I would say the majority of my friend group. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t care what people around me thought about what I wore or what I liked to do or who I hung out with. Though as a 15-year-old girl I definitely cared about people knowing anything about my sex life. Most people in my class weren’t sexually active at that age so it just made it that much worse. I heard girls call other girls sluts all the time. I heard boys calling girls sluts that even they would hook up with. You know who didn’t/doesn’t get judged by their sex lives though? BOYS. The double standard that is placed on us as females are unfair. I will never understand why we allow and feed into that double standard as women.

After the day that he blackmailed me, I truly wanted nothing to do with him. Remember, he told me he was done with me so I was relieved and very happy… Until I got a text from him literally the next day, barely 24 hours later. Again asking me to come over. At this point I was so numb to everything he was saying or asking of me. I didn’t even care anymore really. I was stuck in a trap with no way out.