Journals of a sexual abuse survivor o7

Three years ago today, my sexual abuser was arrested. He was arrested and charged for treating me like no one should ever be treated. He treated me like I was worthless, as if all I was good for, was sex. That ended, August 4th 2017. A day that I will never forget. I will forever remember that day like it was yesterday.

For the last three years, August and September have been the worst months of the year for me- especially August. For some reason, it seems as if everything in my world comes crashing down around me in August.

In 2017, P was arrested and the whole world found out I was abused, not on my terms. You know the saying, “it’s not my story to tell”, or the saying “don’t judge a book by its cover,”? Even just the fact that you should probably know a little bit about what happened before speaking on it. YA, back in 2017, not a lot people knew what either of those things meant. I’ve explained this before. Though just to emphasize my situation, imagine this, this is from my point of view. Imagine you were talking to a boy sophomore year of HS, a senior boy. A few people knew that you and him talked and hung out a little bit, but no one, not even your best friends knew the extent of it. Then the police go through his phone and red flags immediately are thrown, due to the way he talks to you. Then, your parents are brought into the police station while you’re out of town, then you are brought in. A month later he is to be arrested. Then shortly before he is arrested, you get calls and texts from his friends telling you to deny everything. Even though the whole time you’re thinking, “why would I need to deny anything if he’s done nothing wrong?” OH AND none of his friends know that you’ve already been talking to the police for a month. THEN, you get a call from an unknown number, and it’s the man who sexually abused you for 9 months. All he says is your name before you immediately hang up the phone. Once he’s arrested, you go sit in your friends basement by yourself because everyone in your life is busy. By the end of the day, you go to the mall and drop $200 because in the moment it made you feel better. A few days later, a news article drops sharing very little details about the charges, but everyone knows you’re the girl involved. People are left to assume and make their own conclusions about what really happened. Your parents don’t allow you to leave the house. You can’t get food with your friends. You can’t even go practice your sport without your parents waiting in the parking lot watching out for you. All because the man who abused you was making threats about you in jail on the phone. As if those calls aren’t monitored. Now imagine this, you’re a 16 year old girl. LOL. That is what I mean by saying my life was crashing around me.

A year later, yes a whole year went by after he was arrested and charged. Isn’t that hard to believe? August came around and I was preparing for trial and getting ready to begin my senior year of high school. What was probably supposed to be the most memorable year of my life, was beginning, in shambles, because I was about to go through a sexual abuse trial, for an abuse that happened to me when I was 15, almost two years before trial. So, when people ask me why I didn’t enjoy high school too much, I mean who would in my situation? There’s more to the story this year, but that’ll be saved for another day.

Besides all of the reminders of the last two years, last year I was okay. I lived with a constant reminder of the memories from the last two years, but I guess that is probably going to be every year for the rest of my life. Because this day/week is so hard for me, I try to constantly surround myself with people I know will support me. This day really is just one of those things that I’ll never forget. The same way I’ll never forget what it was like sitting in the testimonial stand next to the judge in the court room telling the jury what happened to me. The same way I will never forget what it was like holding back tears as I sped walked out of the court room after I testified against my abuser. The same way I’ll never forget the anger I felt when a church pastor’s letter was read aloud in court on P’s behalf, speaking on his ‘great’ character as if he didn’t behave the way he did towards me.

Fast forward, this year- 2020. August 2nd, this past Sunday, I woke up with a text from the ND correctional system- the automated system- telling me that my abuser, P, is eligible for parole and will be reviewed by the parole board, NEXT month. LOLOL. IMAGINE, waking up to that at 7:30am on a Sunday morning. First of all, I was under the impression that he would be not be released until January/February of 2022. Only come to find out that he is actually schedule for release at the end of THIS year. That would mean he spent just shy of two full years in prison for the crimes he committed to my consequence. I am absolutely heartbroken and sad learning this news. To be honest it makes me feel as if I went through all of this for nothing. Essentially, I was dealing with all of this for 2 and a half years, from the start of my abuse to the time he was put in prison. Although, it is still something that I am dealing with every single day. He is spending less than two years in prison from the time he was convicted to the end of this year.

There’s no other way to say it then this:

The justice system failed me.