Journals of a sexual abuse survivor o2

Like I previously said, you’ll continue to learn more about me as you read, but you should know. I am very much an open book- I have no secrets. My friends, my teammates, sometimes I think they know me better than I know me. I am guessing that is how we’re going to end up here on this page. So.. welcome to my life.

My first two years of high school, most of my friends and I were fascinated by the upperclassmen. Now, my high school was unique since my class was the very first class to spend all four years at our brand new high school building. That being said, my first year of high school we didn’t have a senior class only 9th, 10th & 11th grade. You know how usually the senior boys tend to go for the freshman girls? Ya, that was my high school but with junior boys instead of senior boys. I guess that is where it all began for me.

My freshman year, I didn’t really interact with the older boys- but then sophomore year came. It was the beginning of the school year, homecoming week I believe. I had posted a picture. I looked pretty good in it you know how it is (lol). And sure enough a senior boy from a cross town school messaged me trying to get me to add him on snapchat. I’ll just label him P. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember I made him add me because I wanted the upper hand.

So we snap-chatted and texted and we talked on the phone a few times. It made me feel good at first. An attractive senior boy- a star football player wanted me. What 15 year old wouldn’t be in awe of that? The first time we hung out, I picked him up from his house and he took me to his “special spot”. It was a picnic table in the midst of a bunch of trees. This should have been a red flag for me, but keep in mind I was only 15. I talked to boys, but I hadn’t yet had a long time sexual partner. My relationship with this man was very confusing I guess you’d say. It wasn’t the textbook abuse relationship.

This will come as no surprise, but he was very on and off in the way he treated me. It went like this- one day he would be nice as can be texting me good morning, calling me babe- all of that. But then the next day he would call me a b**** and tell me he never wants to see me ever again. It was so confusing for my 15 year old naive brain.

He would make me feel special. Many times he told me I was the only girl he was talking to. He would make sure that I was only talking to and hanging out with him. If i was talking to another boy he would make me feel guilty about it or label me as a ‘thot’, in other words a whore.

A few months into whatever we were, I tried to cut things off between us because I was trying to date this other boy. So one day P hit me up trying to hangout. And when I say hangout, he was trying to have sex. So he hit me up and I was not having it. I was literally with this other boy while P was texting me. I explained to him that I didn’t want to see him anymore and I stopped responding. He told me “if you want to keep having a thing with him you better not piss me off”. Shortly after, I went to practice and when I got off the ice I had 5 or 6 phone calls from him. It was literally BLIZZARDING outside and he wouldn’t leave me alone til I told him I would come over that night. This is just a prime example of how our relationship was. He had all the power and I had no say. He was the senior boy, I was just the sophomore girl.

At this point, you're probably wondering.. why didn't I just delete him and move on? So let me try to explain this to you. Like I said, he made me feel good. In high school boys my age did not particularly flock to me, but older boys always did. Honestly, I would rather have an older boy anyway. I thought it was cool that an older boy wanted to be with me. I wanted him and his friends to think I was cool, as pathetic as it sounds. I didn't want him to go talk bad about me or tell people what was really going on between us.

Like I said at the time we met I was only 15. To my knowledge he was only 18. It wasn’t until August of the following year that I found out he was really 19 when we first started hanging out. That is a four year age gap. This is where the problem stemmed from ultimately. In North Dakota we have the Romeo & Juliet law so three years between an adult and a minor is illegal. Not only was this breaking the Romeo & Juliet law- it was breaking the law by an added year. I wasn’t even aware that this was the law to be honest. Honestly, I really didn’t think our age difference was all that bad because again, I was under the impression that he was three years older than me. Some would blame me saying I should have stood up for myself or defended myself and whatever else. Others would say that he was the adult, he should know better than to talk to a minor. Being the adult, he especially should know how to treat a girl with respect.

That being said, I am going to do my best to continue to explain our relationship and the way he treated me. But regardless of your opinion on how he treated me, statutory rape is a crime for a reason, To protect minors.

Don't forget; you're not alone--> Call 1-800-656-4673; National Sexual Assault Hotline

OR always feel free to reach out to me.